Donald Trump’s Sleepy Time Trial Down South (Actually New York)

This is the Republican nominee for president.

Donald Trump’s first criminal trial began Monday in New York, the same day that I started jury duty in Portland, Oregon. You might consider that ironic, but you’re wrong. It’s just a coincidence.

Unlike me, Trump deserves all the misery he’s about to endure. The New York case involves Trump’s first attempt to steal an election, which was unfortunately successful. Naysayers claim this is the weakest of the several cases against him, but Trump hasn’t behaved like he expects to beat those charges like Rocky. Instead, he’s pitched a fit, like a spoiled child whose tantrums include witness intimidation and personal attacks against the district attorney, the judge and his family.

It’s already unprecedented that a former president and current presidential candidate is standing trial for serious felonies, but it’s even worse that Judge Juan Merchan had to put a gag order on the same man Republicans think should have the nuclear codes.

Trump whined Monday morning that Merchan had robbed him of his VOICE (all caps, all drama).

I want my VOICE back. This Crooked Judge has GAGGED me. Unconstitutional! The other side can talk about me, but I am not allowed to talk about them! Rigged Trial!

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Although no one can hear you scream on Truth Social, Trump has very much made his VOICE heard on his jack-legged social media site, so prosecutors recommended that Merchan punish Trump for repeatedly violating the gag order against him. They asked that Merchan sanction Trump for three specific social media posts he made over the weekend with the added warning that another deranged online outburst could result in jail time.

The GOP’s foreign policy expert

This weekend, Iran attacked Israel with at least 300 drones and missiles. Republicans predictably blamed President Joe Biden and absurdly claimed this never would’ve happened if Trump were president. (Iran attacked a U.S. base in January 2020 and Trump did absolutely nothing.)

Biden’s weasely former friend Sen. Lindsey Graham posted on social media, “So much for President Biden telling bad guys ‘don’t’ actually being an effective deterrent. Every time he says ‘don’t,’ they do.

“This would not have happened on President Trump’s watch,” he continued, “and I hope the American people are closely following just how dangerous the world has become in the last three years.”

Sen. J.D. Vance, auditioning for vice president, told CNN’s Jake Tapper that Trump was a fierce bad guy deterrent. Tapper didn’t laugh in his face, suggesting he could keep it together during even the most hilarious Saturday Night Live sketch.

Meanwhile, as his stooges sang his foreign policy praises, here’s what Trump was busy posting on social media last weekend.

Trump smeared and attacked Mark Pomerantz and former “fixer” Michael Cohen, two likely witnesses in the his trial. He’d also called Cohen and Stormy Daniels, the star witness in his election scam case, “two sleaze bags who have, with their lies and misrepresentations, cost our Country dearly!”

If you’re having trouble following Trump’s multiple criminal charges without a flow chart, the New York case alleges Trump illegally falsified business records when he paid off Cohen for paying off Daniels to keep silent about her alleged affair with Trump. After clinching the Republican nomination this year despite facing 91 felony charges, the OG sleaze bag probably could’ve saved his money.

Trump also attacked Manhattan District Attorney Alvin Bragg and Judge Merchan again, although he did lay off Merchan’s daughter (for now).

There is NO WAY I can be given a Fair (Biden) Trial on Monday with Judge Juan Merchan, who is totally conflicted and corrupt, presiding. Soros backed Alvin Bragg, the “District Attorney” who has, along with his sidekick Leticia James, let violent crime flourish in New York, never wanted to bring this case because it is a sham and mockery of our legal system. He brought it anyway for purposes of saving the WORST PRESIDENT IN THE HISTORY OF THE UNITED STATES. ELECTION INTERFERENCE!

Friend of Jews Trump also couldn’t resist his anti-Semitic reference to George Soros.

His third internet invective started off like the voiceover narration in a self-indulgent “woe is me, life is so hard for entitled white men” art film.

Just four years ago I was a very popular and successful President of the United States, getting more votes than any sitting President in history. Tomorrow morning I’ll be in Criminal Court, before a totally conflicted Judge, a Corrupt Prosecutor, a Legal System in CHAOS, a State being overrun by violent crime and corruption, and Crooked Joe Biden’s henchmen “Rigging the System” against his Political Opponent, ME! I will be fighting for myself but, much more importantly, I will be fighting for our Country. Election Interference like this has never happened in the USA before and, hopefully, will never happen again. We are now a Nation in serious Decline, a Failing Nation, but we will soon be a Great Nation Again. November 5th will be the most important day in the History of the United States. MAGA2024! SEE YOU TOMORROW.

This is who Republicans insist would’ve made the world a safer place if we’d only let him coup in peace. Maybe they think that unhinged cyber bullying is an effective foreign policy strategy. If that’s their standard, there’s no sense comparing Trump’s gross antics to Biden’s sober diplomacy.

Convicted felons for president

The GOP argument right now is that Trump is such a model of steely determination that America’s enemies would never dare defy him. However, his social media feed reveals a desperate man drowning in his own flop sweat who’d easily lose a poker game against a five year old.

Sunday, during an appearance on ABC’s This Week With George Stephanopoulos, New Hampshire Gov. Chris Sununu confirmed that he’s bought his non-refundable ticket on the Trump train even if it turns out that the GOP nominee is absolutely, 100 percent guilty.

“Look, nobody should be shocked that the Republican governor is supporting the Republican president,” Sununu said, even though Trump isn’t actually president. Sununu, along with a majority of the Republican Party, have no problem casting a ballot for a convicted felon, despite opposing laws that would restore voting rights to convicted felons who’ve served their time.

Sununu also ridiculously claimed that Trump enjoys support from “51 percent of Americans,” which has never been the case. His best performance was 46.8 percent in 2020.

Sununu isn’t Marjorie Taylor Greene, and no, that’s not a compliment. Greene has never wavered in her support for Trump, but Sununu spent most of this election cycle denouncing him.

“It won’t be his party forever. Right?” he said at POLITICO’s Governors Summit in February. “It just won’t. At some point, Donald Trump won’t be here forever.”

“Let me put it a different way: Assholes come and go. But America is here to stay,” he said. America endures against existential threats like Trump when supposed “decent” Republicans prioritize personal integrity over political power. Sununu has surrendered the former in service of the latter, ensuring he’ll end up with neither.

Sununu’s not even supporting a criminal thug who’s competent. Trump isn’t Vito Corleone. He’s Fredo without the charm and Luca Brasi without the muscle and with more serious longterm brain damage.

During a Saturday rally in Pennsylvania, Trump blathered incoherently about Gettysburg, presumably after someone reminded him that the famous Civil War battle occurred in the state.

“Gettysburg, what an unbelievable battle that was. It was so much, and so interesting, and so vicious and horrible, and so beautiful in so many different ways—it represented such a big portion of the success of this country.”

“Gettysburg, wow — I go to Gettysburg, Pennsylvania, to look and to watch. And the statement of Robert E. Lee, who’s no longer in favor — did you ever notice it? He’s no longer in favor.” Trump obviously feels a kinship with notorious traitor Robert E. Lee. “‘Never fight uphill, me boys, never fight uphill.' They were fighting uphill, he said, 'Wow, that was a big mistake.' He lost his big general. 'Never fight uphill, me boys,' but it was too late."

Trump simultaneously sounded like Abe Simpson rambling on about an onion on his belt and Elaine Benes bluffing her way through the description of a book she hadn’t read. Either fictional character is more qualified to serve as commander in chief.

Monday afternoon, Maggie Haberman at the New York Times reported that Trump “appears to be sleeping. His head keeps dropping down and his mouth goes slack.” She told Jake Tapper, “He didn’t pay attention to a note his lawyer passed him. His jaw kept falling on his chest and his mouth kept going slack.”

As I sit in the jury room in the Multnomah County Courthouse, I can empathize with the desire to doze off, but I’m not on trial. The Times keeps finding new ways to ask “How Old Joe Biden?” but Trump, The Slack-Jawed Presidential Candidate seems more newsworthy. He’s falling asleep in court — on the first day, when most criminal defendants are fresh and upbeat — but Republicans want voters to believe Trump would be fully engaged and alert in the Situation Room. They’re all dreaming, but we’re the ones having the nightmare.

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