Kristi Noem's Gone Girl
Puppies across the nation rejoice.
Kristi Noem was canned as Homeland Security Secretary last Thursday. She was a dog killer, a vicious liar, and an all-around sadist. On the other hand, she had a tremendous singing voice.
Trump announced on social media that Noem would serve as the “Envoy for The Shield of the Americas.” If that doesn’t sound real, that’s because it isn’t. Trump might as well have said he was taking Noem to see some excellent designer dresses. (Watch below.)
Noem’s downfall came at the hands of Republican Senators Thom Tillis and John Kennedy. They both set her up to take the fall for the mad king’s crimes. She was like Thomas Wolsey and Thomas Cromwell (they named everyone “Thomas” back then). A few weeks ago, during a Senate hearing, Democrat John Fetterman boasted about working with Noem and criticized those mean liberals who called her “ICE Barbie,” which is apparently a sexist way to describe a fascist. Tillis, however, wasn’t trying to please his right-wing relatives — quite the opposite. He pounced on Noem’s consistent incompetence and reminded everyone that she killed dogs.
“A 14-month-old dog is basically a teenager in dog years,” Tillis said. “You decided to kill that dog because you hadn’t invested the appropriate training, then you have the audacity to write a book and say it’s a leadership lesson!”
She did! It’s crazy, although reportedly the puppy-killing put her on Trump’s radar for Homeland Security. Considering how much Trump behaves like a mad dog, foaming at the mouth, this demonstrated a shocking lack of self-preservation.
Tillis connected the dog murdering to the chaos in Minneapolis. He also yelled at Noem some more about how we’ve witnessed a “disaster under her leadership.” That’s true, but she’s merely the corrupt vessel to implement Stephen Miller’s twisted vision.
Kristi Noem, The Merry Puppy Murderess Of South Dakota, With Her Rendition Of The Gravel Pit Tango!
Kennedy personally led Noem into the designer dress shop. He laid a deliberate trap for her, asking about spending $220 million in taxpayer money to produce national TV ads that feature her on a horse.
Noem claimed, “The president tasked me with getting the message out to the country and to other countries where we were seeing the invasion come from with putting commercials out that told them that if they were in this country illegally, that they needed to leave or we would detain them and remove them, and they would not get the chance to come back to America the right way.”
It’s not the first time she’s told this story, and it’s quite possibly true. However, Kennedy understood that Trump doesn’t like taking responsibility for his failures. If he could do it over again, he’d probably have named Donald Trump Jr. “That Gross Kid.”
Kennedy later told Fox News that after the hearing, he received a call from Trump, who “was mad as a mamma wasp” — Kennedy’s whole bit is speaking like Boss Hogg. “He was not happy,” Kennedy said. “It was clear after that conversation that the secretary’s time at the department was limited. To be blunt, she was dead as fried chicken.”
This is how Trump treats his flunkies who are loyal to him. Attorney General Pam Bondi is probably next, and I already have a bottle of champagne set aside. (Well, it’s a nice sparkling wine. She doesn’t deserve anything French.) I celebrated Noem’s humiliating departure but fully appreciate that DHS policy isn’t likely to change for as long as Trump is president and Miller remains on work release from hell.
Trump announced in the same message whacking Noem that her replacement effective March 31 is Sen. Markwayne Mullin from Oklahoma. We’ve gone from the confessed puppy murderer to someone whose name sounds like a serial killer. Mullin told reporters, “I’m super excited about it. Humbling. We’re super excited about the opportunity. Little kid from West Oklahoma gets to serve in the president’s cabinet. That’s pretty neat.”
Mullin is full-blown MAGA and dangerously unstable. He almost got into a fist fight on the Senate floor with Teamsters president Sean O’Brien: “You want to run your mouth?” he raved. “We can be two consenting adults, we can finish it here” Justifying this pathetic exchange in an interview, Mullin said, “It's silly. It’s stupid. But every now and then, you need to get punched in the face.” He seems to share Henry Hill’s philosophy about life.
However, Mullin and O’Brien later made up and speak on the phone regularly, perhaps discussing slamming their bodies into each other. Apparently, their bromance is why O’Brien didn’t endorse the 2024 Democratic ticket. (The nominee was a woman who isn’t known for instigating fist fights in public. What choice did O’Brien really have?)
Noem was fired because she made Trump look bad. He didn’t care about the gross lies — like when she called the U.S. citizens her ICE agents murdered “domestic terrorists.” Mullin himself helped push the same slander after Alex Pretti was murdered.
Mullin only real qualification for this job is that he’ll do whatever Stephen Miller demands, and he’ll pour on the “tough guy” act during congressional hearings. He won’t implement any substantive change at DHS, certainly not anything positive. Yet, Fetterman is predictably an automatic “yes” vote to confirm his Senate bro.
Fetterman posted on social media, “As a member of the Homeland Security Committee + Ranking Member of Subcommittee on Border Security: I’m not sure how many fellow Democrats will vote to support our colleague SenMullin as the next DHS Secretary, but I am AYE.”
No, you haven’t missed Mullin’s actual confirmation hearings. Fetterman might consider asking a few questions first, such as “Would you support ICE invading my Democratic-run state if Josh Shapiro runs for president?” (as my 12-year-old could predict that happening) or more simply “Do you support masked goons shooting U.S. citizens in the face?”
When Rep. Jasmine Crockett verbally sparred with Rep-No-More Majorie Taylor Greene during a congressional hearing, Fetterman said the spectacle was worse than The Jerry Springer Show, but he seems to have no problem with Mullin bringing the MMA to the Senate.
Fetterman also doesn’t hold a grudge against Mullin for attempting to disenfranchise his own constituents when he endorsed Trump’s Big Lie about the 2020 election and, as a House member, voted against certification of Joe Biden’s presidential victory. I tend to think that’s worse than calling someone “ICE Barbie.”
Fetterman isn’t the only Democrat with apparent amnesia about Mullin’s record and behavior. CNN’s Kasie Hunt asked Sen. Peter Welch from Vermont if he’d consider supporting Mullin’s nomination. Welch’s response was depressing.
First, he treated Mullin’s confirmation as a foregone conclusion — even though there’s room to pressure Republicans against rubber stamping Trump’s pick. Susan Collins is up for re-election and ICE already invaded Maine once. Lisa Murkowski has sometimes voted against Trump. Thom Tillis is on his way out the door, and Trump has supported a primary challenge against Bill Cassidy.
“He’ll be confirmed,” Welch said. “The question is whether there’ll be bipartisan support for him.” Then Welch offered Mullin an unsolicited LinkedIn testimonial. “Well, Markwayne Mullin is competent and he’s honest, so those are two good things that Kristi Noem did not have … People respect Markwayne.”
I have no idea why. Welch seems to think Mullin’s confirmation hearing will provide Democrats the opportunity to have a frank dialogue about DHS corruption, but it’s incredibly naive to think that Trump has picked Mullin to reform the organization. Noem wasn’t some rogue, dog-shooting operator.
Democrats said nice things about their former colleague Marco Rubio and voted to confirm him as Secretary of State. He has advanced Trump’s deranged agenda without question and practically laughed in Democrats’ faces when they expressed their disappointment. There’s no reason any Democrat should vote for a Trump nominee. Anyone Trump wants to work for him is not going to serve America’s best interests.
There’s no one that should be allowed to head this mess of an agency. It needs to be completely gutted and divided into the proper set with individual heads. Why is FEMA under this banner? It should be independent but we know we don’t want “fereners” getting aid as well according to them. The rest of the people well they don’t care about them either.
Glad that puppy killer is gone. I hope she ugly cried and tore at her extensions.
"...and criticized those mean liberals who called her “ICE Barbie,” which is apparently a sexist way to describe a fascist"
what's wrong wif bein' sexy?