The 1990s Barbie Movie Right-Wingers Wanted
It's a little like 'Big' plus 'Working Girl' with a dash of 'Disclosure'!
Hey, right-wing weirdos, I know you’re really upset about the “woke” new Barbie film. But instead of burning your personal collection of Barbie and Ken dolls like a perfectly sane and rational person, just content yourself with my synopsis of a hypothetical 1990s Barbie movie:
Tom Hanks (or Michael Douglas if you’re going edgier) work at Mattel with love interest Parker Posey/Demi Moore, a hard-edged cynical executive. Barbie sales are down, but Posey/Moore has a plan!
She proposes a very hip, with-it Poochie style Barbie. Hanks/Douglas is skeptical but desperate so he agrees. The “hep” Barbie (who is a minority in very ‘90s grunge/hip hop wear) is a hit.
This creates a conflict in Barbie Land, which had previously been a traditionalist paradise, but hep Barbie now enters and takes over. All the other Barbies want to be like her and mainstream Barbie feels jealous, a la Toy Story.
Mainstream Barbie runs away and finds herself in the “Real World.” She meets Hanks/Douglas, who gradually starts to accept that she is a doll come to life. There should be a music montage scene at this point.
Mainstream Barbie melts Hanks/Douglas’s cynical veneer and he falls in love with her because, well, have you seen her? She’s also in love with him, for reasons. Oh, I realize Richard Gere could also work here, perhaps even better than You Got Mail-era Hanks. Recast!
Gere/Douglas try to keep Barbie hidden from Posey/Moore, who initially is just jealous but starts to realize she could be the actual Barbie. She then plots to exploit her.
Then some stuff happens and Gere/Douglas give a stirring speech about the importance of mainstream Barbie and traditional values. Barbie smiles lovingly at him. Posey/Moore is appalled. I also realize Catherine Keener might work better than Moore. Recast!
Keener/Posey makes her own speech about how dated and useless mainstream Barbie is in today’s society. We need tough and aggressive! She probably even name-checks Hillary Clinton and a 1990s audience laughs accordingly.
That’s when Hep Barbie enters the boardroom (it’s pre 9/11 so people can just walk into places). She followed Mainstream Barbie to the real world and admits that Barbie Land is crumbling without her. “We were moving so fast we forgot why we are here in the first place.”
Mainstream Barbie forgives her and for a moment, we think she’s returning to Barbie Land. Gere/Douglas is visibly heartbroken. Mainstream Barbie prepares to leave but first she has a gift for Keener/Posey — a classic Barbie doll.
Keener/Posey breaks down, admits that her own divorced, workaholic mother never let her have a Barbie. It’s a real moment.
Hep Barbie turns to Mainstream Barbie and tells her she should stay with Gere/Douglas: “You deserve your own Barbie Dream House.” Hep Barbie then turns into a Mainstream Barbie but slightly brown. Douglas/Gere and now human Barbie kiss. The board room cheers.
New Mainstream Barbie returns to Barbie Land. Barbie sales improve dramatically because that’s how stuff works. We see Keener/Posey in her single woman apartment happily playing with her Barbie doll, and the last shot is now human Barbie and Gere/Douglas walking into a big pink house in suburbs.
Twenty years later, Lindy West will write a scathing take down of the film, but Gen- Xers still watch it every Christmas.
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