GOP Chumps Debase Themselves In Race To Be Trump’s New Number 2

Sadly, the first in an ongoing series.

May 14, 2024

Republicans are lining up for the chance to serve as Donald Trump’s next doomed running mate. Former Vice President Mike Pence apparently made it look quite appealing when Trump’s mob almost killed him. I used to wonder why any criminal was dumb enough to work for the Joker, who randomly murdered his own henchmen for kicks. MAGA politics can make the most absurd comic book trope seem realistic.

I’ve noticed that the press rarely mentions why Pence isn’t returning for Trump’s presidential revival show. This distinct lack of loyalty from Trump isn’t a shock but it is somewhat newsworthy that the Republican nominee ditched his former running mate because he was too “honest.” Reporters should perhaps mention that fact whenever Republicans suggest that they’re dishonest enough for the job.

The media and betting sites have placed Sen. Marco Rubio, Trump’s former primary opponent who he mocked as a “lightweight choker,” on the list of potential suckers, and Rubio couldn’t be more thrilled. He confirmed, though, that no one on Trump’s jack-legged campaign has officially approached him: “President Trump’s going to have his own process,” Rubio said, as if anything Trump does is carefully considered.

“It’s flattering to be thought of that way, but I really don’t spend a lot of time thinking about things that aren’t before me,” he said, as if suffers from acute Memento disease. “It might be, but I have no indication of that, other than from you guys.”

There are a few obstacles standing in the way of Rubio’s elevation to “more regular late night talk show punchline.” First off, the Constitution actually forbids it. The 12th Amendment states: “The electors shall meet in their respective states, and vote by ballot for two persons, of whom one at least shall not be an inhabitant of the same state with themselves.” (emphasis mine)

Rubio and Trump are both Florida residents. Rubio is the state’s junior varsity senator, and Trump currently lives at the Mar-a-Lago trash palace in Palm Beach. It’s not an insurmountable obstacle. When George W. Bush picked Dick Cheney to handle all the presidential heavy lifting for him, Cheney had lived, voted, and paid taxes in Texas for five years. Bush was the sitting Texas governor. There was an obvious conflict, but Cheney put his Dallas home on the market before the election and returned to Wyoming, which he’d represented in Congress from 1979 to 1989. He even got a driver’s license in Wyoming — although there’s zero traffic there and you can just switch on cruise control and relax. It’s not like taking the driver’s test in New York City, which requires Top Gun training. The point is that Cheney had deeper roots in Wyoming. Rubio was born in Florida. He can’t just leave, but Trump won’t return to New York and break Judge Aileen Cannon’s heart. The state of New York isn’t legally comfortable for Trump, either.

The other problem is that Trump’s a sadistic monster who’s just toying with Rubio. He wants to see him dance before publicly humiliating him. Trump recently told a crowd of people at Mar-a-Lago that Rubio’s “name is coming up a lot for vice president.” Rubio probably had a big smile on his face, like Carlo when Don Vito squeezed his cheeks in The Godfather. He’s too stupid to see what’s coming next. Frank Cerabino at the Palm Beach Post suggested that Rubio will always have to answer for the 2016 primary, when he correctly called out Trump as a “con artist” who was too “erratic” to trust with nuclear secrets. Rubio might’ve submitted himself to Trump but that doesn’t mean Trump will ever pay him for the dignity he willingly surrendered.

The veepstakes continue at Trump’s trial

Sen. J.D. Vance from Ohio had also criticized Trump harshly prior to the 2016 election. Now he’s a reliable footstool to the great and terrible MAGA. Vance bailed on his actual duties and spent Monday propping up Trump at his New York criminal trial. Vance posted on social media: “I saw a media report a few days ago that Trump looked like he was falling asleep or bored or something … The obvious narrative they’re trying to sell is ‘yeah Biden is mentally unfit but this other guy is bad too.’ It’s an absurd narrative. I’m 39 years old and I’ve been here for 26 minutes and I’m about to fall asleep.”

I think the “obvious narrative” is that the almost-78-year-old presidential candidate keeps dozing off during his own criminal trial. It has nothing to do with Biden, who is literally not on trial here. If Vance wants to be one felony conviction away from the presidency, he shouldn’t broadcast his own physical and mental limitations.

Vance also gave Michael Cohen’s testimony the Mystery Science Theater 3000 treatment. He riffed, “Cohen can’t remember how old his son is or how old he was when he started to work for Trump but I’m sure he remembers extremely small details from years ago!”

“This guy is a convicted felon who admitted in his testimony that he secretly recorded his former employer, that he only did it once, allegedly, and that this was supposed to help Donald Trump,” Vance said, ignoring that Cohen pleaded guilty to felonies that directly benefitted Trump. “Does any reasonable, sensible person believe anything that Michael Cohen says? I don’t think that they should. And I actually think that his testimony is going to hurt with any reasonable juror, and hopefully we have a few of those.”

No one believes Michael Cohen is a saint. Our entire criminal justice system relies on self-interested witness testimony. Very few nuns are active participants in criminal conspiracies.

Vance didn’t actually pay that much attention in court. He was on his phone most of the time, but we all know why Vance showed up. Some vice presidential wannabes kill their pets and brag about it. Others engage in a little light jury intimidation. Vance is obviously helping Trump bypass Judge Juan Merchan’s gag order. That’s why the humble Hillbilly Elegy author flew to New York — so he could help Trump attack witnesses at his criminal trial. If that’s how he’s making his bones with Trump, it’s at least preferable to murdering a puppy.

Vance ranted outside the courtroom, “The thing that [Trump] is prevented from saying, which is a disgrace, is that every single person involved in this prosecution is practically a Democratic political operative.”

Judge Merchan has been overly generous to Trump, who keeps violating the gag order with personal attacks and outrageous slander. Vance repeated Trump’s Bizarro World logic about how holding him accountable for crimes in an attack on democracy itself.

Sen. Tommy Tuberville joined Vance at the trial watch party. No one seriously thinks Tuberville is on the short list for vice president, especially because Tuberville has trouble reading a list of any length. However, he apparently coordinated talking points with Vance. Both senators claimed that the trial’s sole objective is “psychological torture.” (Trump mocked the late John McCain’s actual torture during Vietnam.)

Part of this systematic torture involves calling the Drowsy Defendant (the title of my failed musical) “Mr. Trump” instead of “President Trump,” even though he’s not the president anymore and sacrificed the right to any such courtesies when he attempted a coup and blocked the peaceful transfer of power.

“I’m disappointed in the courtroom,” Tuberville whined. “I’m hearing Mr. Trump, Mr. Trump. He is former President Trump. Give him some respect.”

“Mr. Trump” is already more respect than he deserves. This is classic MAGA. They demand treatment that they never return in good faith. Tuberville thinks people should still call Trump “president” when he acts like a common gangster, repeatedly smearing the presiding judge in his trial as “corrupt.”

This pathetic display reinforces the arrogance and stupidity of the craven opportunists (compared to the true believers) who desperately seek Trump’s approval. No one served Trump more loyally than Pence and Cohen, and he abandoned them to a violent mob and to prison. Rubio, Vance, Tuberville and the rest somehow imagine they can avoid that fate. They’d have better odds working for the Joker