I Saw A Dire Wolf Drinking A Piña Colada at Trader Vic's

His hair was perfect.

The past week has been terrible and next week will probably be worse. People are desperate for some good news, so it’s understandable that they’d get all excited when it was announced that an extinct species of wolves had made a comeback. CNN reported on Tuesday, “scientists say they have resurrected the dire wolf,” but scientists said no such thing, just the Texas-based company Colossal Biosciences. (It does have “science” in its name, and that’s probably good enough for Robert Kennedy Jr.)

Time magazine proclaimed, “The Return of the Dire Wolf.” I confess my personal response was “don’t we have enough wolves already? Is there a shortage of wolves?” but my heart is cold. Time notes that the dire wolf hasn’t been seen in more than 10,000 years, but their remains are scattered across America. So, Colossal Biosciences took the opportunity to play God. (Watch below.)

Time’s Jeffrey Kluger explains:

Relying on deft genetic engineering and ancient, preserved DNA, Colossal scientists deciphered the dire wolf genome, rewrote the genetic code of the common gray wolf to match it, and, using domestic dogs as surrogate mothers, brought Romulus, Remus, and their sister, 2-month-old Khaleesi, into the world during three separate births last fall and this winter—effectively for the first time de-extincting a line of beasts whose live gene pool long ago vanished

Colossal’s abomination unto the lord certainly seems impressive, as long as you don’t ask too many questions, such as “why does Colossal Biosciences sound like the evil corporation in a sci-fi movie?”

Colossal co-founder and CEO, Ben Lamm, told the Austin American-Statesman, “This is our first true de-extinction, and it is the first time, you know, the world’s ever had an extinct animal back on the planet ... It’s pretty great. As a Texas company, it’s insane that we were able to do this, and the team did it within 18 months. This is a good testament to the technologies that are coming. We took a 13,000-year-old to a 73,000-year-old skull and made puppies. It’s pretty magical.”

I’m skeptical by nature but especially whenever someone uses the words “magical” and “insane” when discussing a supposed scientific breakthrough. Colossal provided a photo of Lam holding one of the dire wolf pups, which I probably shouldn’t share because it’s goofy.

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Apparently, the dire wolves were prominently featured on HBO’s Game of Thrones, which I never watched because there are so few home renovations performed on the series. An IndieWire headline stated, “The Dire Wolves from ‘Game of Thrones’ Went Extinct 10,000 Years Ago, but Now They’re Back.”

IndieWire’s Samantha Bergeson writes:

The once-extinct dire wolf species has been brought back to life after 10,000 years, and George R.R. Martin‘s “Game of Thrones” lore deserves some of the credit.

While Martin is not a genetic scientist, he did serve as a cultural advisor and investor of Colossal Biosciences, which has successfully resurrected the dire wolf species — much to Jon Snow’s delight. Dare we wonder if real dire wolves will be used onscreen for the “Game of Thrones” franchise?

Of course, future Game of Thrones installments would never cast actual dire wolves because they’re deadly and non-union. The TV series used trained dogs that resembled wolves and wouldn’t eat the actors. (Watch below.)

Science writer Carl Zimmer at the New York Times was less gullible about the whole thing. He posted on Bluesky, “It’s not a dire wolf. It’s a gray wolf clone with 20 dire-wolf gene edits, and with some dire wolf traits.”

Unfortunately, the Times’ headline for Zimmer’s article states, “Scientists Revive the Dire Wolf, or Something Close.” This needlessly clouds the issue. Besides, a Siberian Husky is “something close” to a dire wolf. The subhead mentions the Game of Thrones connection, as if that’s the major news hook: “Dire wolves, made famous by ‘Game of Thrones,’ went extinct some 13,000 years ago. Now, researchers have bred gray-wolf pups that carry genes of their ancient cousins.”

Colossal’s “dire wolves” do share a few traits with actual dire wolves — they’re big with dense, pale coats. However, dire wolves have as much in common with moderns wolves as we do with chimpanzees. They split from wolves almost 6 million years ago.

Beth Shapiro, Colossal’s chief scientific officer, told the press, “We’re creating these functional copies of something that used to be alive.” I’m not a scientist but I must question how “functional” these “dire wolf” copies actually are, considering they’re currently in captivity on a “private 2,000-acre facility at an undisclosed location.” The major trait they don’t share with actual dire wolves is freedom.

So, Shapiro attended the University of Georgia around the same time as I did, and yes, I know that I haven’t bred any dire wolves, either. She was UGA’s first female Rhodes Scholar in 1998. An evolutionary biologist, she wrote the book How To Clone A Mammoth: The Science of De-Extinction. In 2017, she said, “I can report with confidence that a total of zero mammoths have been cloned. However, the technology that would be necessary to bring extinct species (or, more accurately, extinct traits) back to life continues to develop.”

Shapiro joined Colossal last year, and she received an absurd amount of online vitriol when she quite rationally stated that dinosaur “de-extinction” is impossible. She is more optimistic about reviving other extinct animals who have far less movie star appeal than velociraptors. (Watch below.)

Earlier this year, Colossal reportedly created “wooly mice,” as part of its effort to “de-extinct” the wooly mammoth. Shapiro believes “de-exctincting” the mammoth, dodo bird, and Tasmanian tiger can potentially help restore the ecosystem. However, Elon Musk has demanded that scientists use this technology to create a wooly mammoth small enough to keep as a pet, because that’s what rich assholes do with their money. Shapiro might have good intentions but Colossal is a corporation. It’s far more likely to cater to people like Musk.

Shapiro insists, though, that the three animals who’ll probably spend their entire lives on a corporate campus, like tech workers, are definitely “dire wolves.”

“I feel like I say that, and then all of my taxonomist friends will be like, ‘Okay, I’m done with her.’ But it’s not a gray wolf. It doesn’t look like a gray wolf.”

Colossal definitely jacked up some gray wolf DNA, stuffed it inside a few dogs, and produced something that doesn’t look exactly like a gray wolf anymore. That doesn’t make it a dire wolf. This is less science than a freshman year philosophy debate.

I agree with writer David Avallone, who remarked, “This story is like if you went to Jurassic Park expecting to see a Tyrannosaurus Rex and instead they had a crocodile who could walk on its hind legs.” Although, I admit I’d enjoy seeing a crocodile who could walk upright, especially if he wore a sideways baseball cap. I get the sense that I’d just feel sorry for those poor fake dire wolves. They didn’t ask for this.