Kristi Noem's Puppy-Killing Tour Fails To Sell Americans On Puppy-Killing Lifestyle

Never gonna be vice president now.

Self-confessed puppy killer Kristi Noem remains at large and an active threat to canines and their human loved ones. She appeared on CBS’s Face the Nation Sunday for an absolute train wreck of an interview with Margaret Brennan. Despite what I assume was rigorous prep work with her communications team, she still came across like someone who shoots puppies.

Noem wanted to pitch her book, No Going Back (informally known as Great American Dogs I Have Killed), but Brennan insisted on asking her questions about its contents. Noem’s current spin is that the dog she whacked was a “dangerous animal” and she was just protecting her children, who were in no immediate danger from a dog whose capital offense was eating chickens. Noem eats chicken and she’s probably not a danger to small children … I assume. I can’t watch her every minute of the day.

She seemed to think that we’d be impressed that she assumed the awesome “responsibility” of putting a bullet in a puppy’s skull. Brennan pointed out that the chapter where Noem boasted about killing a goat is called “Bad Day to Be a Goat,” which sounds as if she’s “celebrating the killing of animals.” And she wasn’t done!

---

---

“In fact, at the end of the book,” Brennan said, “you say the very first thing you would do if you got to the White House that was different from Joe Biden is you’d make sure Joe Biden’s dog was nowhere on the grounds: ‘Commander say hello to Cricket.’ Are you doing this to try to look tough? Do you still think that you have a shot at being a VP?”

Noem replied, “Joe Biden’s dog has attacked 24 Secret Service people. So how many people is enough people to be attacked and dangerously hurt before you make a decision on a dog?”

Commander is a German Shepherd and fiercely loyal, so the constant presence of Secret Service (mostly strangers to the dog) hovering around Biden was probably very stressful. However, the Bidens aren’t homicidal maniacs so they chose to remove Commander from the White House rather than from the mortal plane.

Noem would later whine that Brennan kept “interrupting” her and treated her worse than Democratic governors, who in fairness aren’t dog killers. It’s unclear how Noem would’ve benefitted from Brennan letting her share unhinged dog murder fantasies without interruption.

Politico reported Monday that when Noem worked on her first book, 2022’s Not My First Rodeo: Lessons from the Heartland, her team advised her not to include the Cricket killing anecdote — presumably because it made everyone sick to their stomachs. This meant that Noem fought to put that putrid tale in her book. Apparently, she believed solidifying her brand as a Disney movie villain would make her stand out in the vice presidential contest.

World leader pretend meeting

It seems as if Noem also bolstered her credentials with outright lies. For instance, she wrote, “I remember when I met with North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un. I’m sure he underestimated me, having no clue about my experience staring down little tyrants (I’d been a children’s pastor, after all).”

So, she hates kids, as well. It’s possible her house is made of gingerbread.

Brennan asked Noem outright if she’d actually met Kim Jong Un, and Noem practically drowned in flop sweat. She said the passage had been changed in a last-minute edit, but she wouldn’t admit that what she said was false.

“No, I’ve met with many, many world leaders, many world leaders,” she insisted. “I've traveled around the world, I think I’ve talked extensively in this book about my time serving in Congress, my time as governor, before governor, some of the travels that I've had. I'm not going to talk about my specific meetings with world leaders, I’m just not going to do that.”

Noem represented South Dakota’s sole congressional district from 2011 to 2019. It seems unlikely that she would’ve had many opportunities for sit downs with major world leaders, who are busy people. They barely have time to meet with a bright high school student who wrote a prize-winning essay, let alone Kristi Noem.

“This anecdote shouldn’t have been in the book,” she said, “and as soon as it was brought to my attention, I made sure that that was adjusted.”

Noem has already recorded the audio version of her book, so she should’ve noticed much sooner. She must need professional fact checkers for basic details of her own life. She reminded Brennan that Joe Biden is old and forgets lot of things, which is different from lying. Maybe she’s the one who’s senile. She continued complaining about unfair treatment:

“And you haven't said one thing about Joe Biden saying that he was in prison with Nelson Mandela, that he started the Civil Rights Movement.”

That’s another lie. The exact words Biden said during a January speech at Mother Emanuel AME Church were: “I — I’ve spent more time in the Bethel AME Church in Wilmington, Delaware, than I have — than most people I know, Black or white, have spent in that church. (Laughter.) Because that’s where I started — no, I’m serious. It started with the Civil Rights Movement.”

Biden did say that he was arrested trying to see Nelson Mandela in prison. There’s no evidence supporting his claim. However, there is conclusive proof that Noem shot her own dog.

It’s not just the liberal media who thinks Noem is a disaster. After another bad interview on CBS This Morning, Noem self-immolated on both Newsmax and Fox, which is where you’d expect to find the most receptive audience for intelligence-insulting lies and casual cruelty.

Newsmax host Rob Finnerty told her bluntly, “If you asked me a month ago who’s at the top of the list to run with Donald Trump, I would’ve said your name. If you asked me that same question this morning, I don't even think you’re on the list.”

Barely containing her Cricket-murdering rage, Noem asked, “Really? And why is that?”

“It’s because of things that came out in this book,” he said, “like your claims that you met Kim Jong Un.”

“I’ve been to the DMZ,” Noem said. This was hardly a “checkmate” response. The Korean Demilitarized Zone is a border barrier that divides the Korean Peninsula roughly in half. That’s not where Kim Jong Un actually lives. She might as well say she met the Animaniacs because she once visited the Warner Brothers studio lot.

Finnerty pressed Noem on this like she was one of those little tyrants she hates: “Governor, that never happened, did it.”

“What I have said in the book is that when I became aware of the content, we had it changed,” she said. “I should not have put that anecdote in the book. I am not going to talk about my meetings.”

If she’s just going to keep lying about the meeting, why did she bother removing it from the book? She either met Kim Jong Un or she didn’t. (She didn’t.)

She further humiliated herself on the other Dear Leader’s behalf during a Fox News interview with Stuart Varney, insisting that Trump was the victim of political persecution but she’s “proud of how tough he is and how well he’s doing.” Stormy Daniels testified at Trump’s election interference trial Tuesday, and Judge Juan Merchan had to warn Trump’s lawyer about Mr. Tough Guy “cursing audibly and shaking his head” like he was a disturbed person on the New York subway.

“Did you bring up the dog?” Varney asked.

“This interview is ridiculous what you are doing right now. You need to stop. Let’s talk about some real issues Americans care about.”

Unfortunately for Noem, Americans do care whether their vice presidents kill animals and loathe small children. It’s not a selling point. They aren’t crazy about liars, either. She should’ve pursued a different career path, like convincing gullible young mermaids to give her their voices.

Follow Stephen Robinson on Bluesky and Threads.

Subscribe to his YouTube channel for more fun content.