Dead Worm That Ate Part Of Robert Kennedy Jr.’s Brain Won’t Endorse Him Either

Not great news for his campaign.

“R.F.K. Jr. Says Doctors Found a Dead Worm in His Brain.” That is a headline from Wednesday’s New York Times, not the Weekly World News, which used to regularly break stories during the 1990s about Hillary Clinton’s alien baby and torrid affair with Bat Boy.

Times reporter Susanne Craig writes, “In 2010, Robert F. Kennedy Jr. was experiencing memory loss and mental fogginess so severe that a friend grew concerned he might have a brain tumor. Mr. Kennedy said he consulted several of the country’s top neurologists, many of whom had either treated or spoken to his uncle, Senator Edward M. Kennedy, before his death the previous year of brain cancer.”

Given the timing, this was probably terrifying. I’m glad Kennedy consulted actual doctors and not whoever advises him about vaccines and autism. According to a 2012 deposition that the Times reviewed, Kennedy’s brain scans revealed a dark spot that several doctors concluded was a tumor. He was immediately scheduled for a procedure at Duke University, but another doctor at NewYork-Presbyterian Hospital called him before he left to say it was not a tumor.

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This doctor thought the weirdness going on inside Kennedy’s head “was caused by a worm that got into my brain and ate a portion of it and then died.” (That’s how Kennedy put it in the deposition.)

There’s more than one way to interpret this information. It could attest to the overall strength of Kennedy’s brain, which valiantly fought off the parasite, or it could mean that Kennedy’s actual brain is toxic. I’m reminded of the Chris Rock routine about a run-down supermarket: “All the fruit’s rotten. I got an apple the other day with a worm in it. The worm was dead.”

Fortunately, the worm didn’t complete its meal, but Kennedy still suffered serious health issues. “I have cognitive problems, clearly,” he said. “I have short-term memory loss, and I have longer-term memory loss that affects me.”

This might explain at least some of Kennedy’s more bizarre positions. He’s said “there’s no vaccine that is safe and effective” and has urged parents to “resist” guidelines from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention about vaccinating children. Last month, Kennedy argued that President Joe Biden is a “much worse threat to democracy” than Donald Trump, who’s already tried to end democracy once and now plans an encore performance. None of this sounds like someone with a fully intact brain.

He was also diagnosed around the same time with mercury poisoning, which he blames on eating too much fish. (I almost always read about tuna-related mercury poisoning after ordering sushi.) Mercury poisoning is usually responsible for these symptoms.

Kennedy told the Times that he’s since made a complete recovery from the parasite, which he claims did not require treatment. At least he didn’t inject bleach or some other household disinfectant directly into his brain. He said he no longer experiences memory loss or brain fog. Maybe he’s off the sushi.

Of course, I wish Kennedy well, but I’ve watched too much sci-fi over the years to trust when someone who had a worm in their brain insists they’re perfectly fine now and still totally themselves and not actually controlled by the alien worm.

RFK Jr.’s the Dorian Gray picture of health

Pardon my bluntness, but Joe Biden doesn’t have brains worms. Kennedy, however, has questioned Biden’s “vigor,” “cognitive capacity,” and “mental acuity.” The media won’t let up about Biden’s age, no matter how consistently he demonstrates his competence and ability to perform his duties. The Times notes that “the 70-year-old Mr. Kennedy has portrayed his athleticism and relative youth as an advantage over the two oldest people to ever seek the White House: President Biden, 81, and former President Donald J. Trump, 77.”

That’s a hilarious sentence. If Kennedy won, he’d edge out Ronald Reagan as the third oldest U.S. president in history. His youth is not relative. It’s nonexistent. You only see phrasing like this when three men in their 70s run for president. Rue McClanahan was in her 50s when she played Blanche Devereaux and she was still a Golden Girl. (When they remake their show with Millennials, Blanche will have two jobs and crushing student loan debt.)

He has gone to lengths to appear hale, skiing with a professional snowboarder and with an Olympic gold medalist who called him a “ripper” as they raced down the mountain. A camera crew was at his side while he lifted weights, shirtless, at an outdoor gym in Venice Beach.

This was all a very superficial display that appeals to most Americans’ cultural bias regarding health and fitness. I don’t care if my president can snowboard worth a damn or has six-pack abs. I prioritize a functioning brain.

It’s not as if we don’t have historical precedent debunking this bias. Kennedy’s uncle, President John F. Kennedy, had major health problems despite appearing young and robust. He endured chronic pain from osteoporosis and a shoddy spine. He had Addison’s disease, which caused fatigue, digestive issues, and low blood pressure. He was only 46 when he died.

Robert Kennedy Jr. might look better than Biden without his shirt, but he has far more reported health issues than the president. Kennedy reportedly suffers from atrial fibrillation — a quivering or irregular heartbeat that can increase the risk of heart failure and stroke. He’s been hospitalized from serious episodes on at least four separate occasions, but he told the Times he’s been without symptoms for more than a decade and assumes the condition has just vanished. There are rare instances of atrial fibrillation going away on its own, but usually, the only reason debilitating physical ailments suddenly disappear is because an alien parasite is upgrading its host body before assuming total control. Of course, as my wife often reminds me, sci-fi movies and superhero cartoons aren’t documentaries.

Your regular reminder that Republicans are terrible

Robert Kennedy Jr. is a public figure willingly running for president, so obviously people are leaning into literal brain worm humor. However, Republican House Rep. Mike Collins predictably went way too far. He posted on social media: “You either die a Kennedy with a hole in the brain or live long enough to become a Kennedy with a hole in the brain.”

We get it: Kennedy’s campaign amused Republicans when they thought he would only take vital voters from Biden, but polls show that Kennedy is more likely to pull a Stein on Trump. Republicans are frantically reminding voters that Kennedy supports abortion rights and is related to politicians who were nice to Black people. So far, it’s not working. There’s just too much MAGA/RFK overlap among the anti-vax, brain-worm-addled electorate.

Of course, whatever you might think of Robert Kennedy Jr., his father was assassinated when he was 14. That’s devastating and no amount of time can justify mocking that loss. His uncle was assassinated when he was nine. This doesn’t excuse or even necessarily explain significant errors in judgment he’s made as an adult. I guess my point is that you shouldn’t make fun of people who were shot in the head.

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