Donald Trump’s personal physician Sean Barbabella claimed that the 79-year-old president has the “heart and vascular system of a 65-year-old.” Maybe that’s technically true. There’s no telling what Jeffrey Epstein gave his guests as island party favors. However, it’s highly unlikely that Trump’s own heart and vascular system is almost 15 years younger than he appears, which is terrible.
Trump famously lives on a fast-food Caligula diet of burgers, fried chicken, and pizza. His one-time campaign manager Corey Lewandowski revealed in his book Let Trump Be Trump that Trump’s regular order from McDonald’s was two Big Macs, two Filet-O-Fish sandwiches, and a chocolate milkshake. This is just one of many reasons why Melania Trump has a separate bathroom.
Back in 2018, during his first nightmare term, Trump received a coronary calcium CT scan as part of a routine physical exam. His previous White House physician, Ronny Jackson, stated that Trump’s coronary calcium score was 133 (anything over 100 indicates heart disease in the patient). According to his medical records, Trump’s CC score was 34 in 2009 and 98 in 2013. You can probably see where this is going.
Is Trump Dying? And Why That's Good News
Donald Trump vanished from sight for a few days last week, which is good because he’s not something you should look directly at for long. He’s like the sun but more orange and carcinogenic.
Even though Trump’s hands are visibly bruised and decayed, his royal leech dispenser Barbarella insists that he’s in “exceptional health.” Not only do we know this is all a lie, but so does Trump. You can tell by how he’s acting as if he’s about to die any minute.
Fox News MAGA sycophant Peter Doocy asked Trump the other day whether the Gaza ceasefire would help Trump earn a ticket into heaven. Trump replied, with rare self-awareness, “I don’t think there’s anything that’s gonna get me in heaven. I think I’m not maybe heaven bound. I may be in heaven right now as we fly on Air Force One. I’m not sure I’m gonna be able to make heaven.”
Trump has previously acknowledged what he considers his dim prospects for the after life. He told Fox & Friends last month, “I want to try and get to heaven if possible. I’m hearing I’m not doing well. I’m really at the bottom of the totem pole.”
That was a very strange remark that the New York Times framed as Trump merely getting “reflective” — without any mention of Trump’s recent diagnosis of chronic venous insufficiency, a condition that occurs when the leg veins become damaged and struggle to send blood back up to the heart. It’s not ideal when the sitting president’s foreign policy is motivated by his fear of impending death and eternal judgement.
Trump is a malignant narcissist who requires and demands external validation to justify his putrid existence. He’s like George Costanza from Seinfeld, who couldn’t accept that Jerry’s girlfriend didn’t like him. George is a terrible person, and it was miracle — plus a staff of male writers — that any woman liked him, but his fragile ego couldn’t tolerate rejection. “Who cares if she doesn’t like you?” George’s out-of-his-league girlfriend asks him. “Does everybody in the world have to like you?” “Yes! Yes! Everybody has to like me. I must be liked!” George exclaims. Fortunately, George Costanza never had access to the nuclear codes.
The presidency has not earned Trump true respect, certainly not from those he knows deep down are his moral and intellectual betters. Not even the cult-like adoration from his supporters can fill the emptiness within himself. Trump’s pathetic campaign for the Nobel Prize has failed, no matter how many wars he ends within his own mind. Republicans are teaming with Israel’s right-wing government to nominate Trump for the 2026 Nobel Prize, but first he has to live that long.
So for now, he’s looking toward heaven.
The president’s second failed son, Eric Trump, pushed the “next stop heaven” narrative during a recent appearance on Benny Johnson’s show. “If [Trump] wasn’t heaven-bound, he wouldn’t have been alive after Butler,” Eric Trump said. “If he wasn’t heaven-bound, that flag wouldn’t have folded up like a perfect angel right above his head. If he wasn’t heaven-bound, if he wasn’t meant for this purpose, he wouldn’t have beaten Hillary [Clinton.]”
Trump’s near misses with death and his repeated political victories are all evidence against an ordered universe, not that there’s a God who’s chosen as his instrument on Earth the man who only a daily basis simultaneously personifies the seven deadly sins. Eric Trump sounds like he’s describing the unstoppable monster in the horror movie that’s our lives, not the nation’s savior: “If Michael Meyers wasn’t heaven-bound, he wouldn’t have been alive after he was shot six times and fell off a balcony. If Jason Voorhees wasn’t heaven-bound, he’d have never survived that machete in the shoulder. If Freddy Krueger wasn’t heaven-bound, he’d have never developed those creepy dream powers.”
I actually don’t think Trump is worried so much about eternal torment in hell — after all, he willingly moved to Florida. No, Trump sees heaven as the ultimate personal validation. It’s just another “prize,” one acquired through vainglorious public achievement rather than simple kindness and grace. If Trump wasn’t so contemptible, I’d almost pity him for wasting what’s left of his life obsessed with the next one.
Not surprisingly, the late Diane Keaton had a far better perspective on this subject. She wrote in his 2014 memoir, Let’s Just Say It Wasn’t Pretty:
I do think life is a miracle. At this point, I’m sure of one thing and that’s this: I know nothing. I would venture to say some of my friends would agree. At least I’m pretty sure they would concur that life is far more impenetrable than we imagined. Most of us over 60 have come to the point where we recognize that our accomplishments are diddly-squat in the grand scheme of things.”
The reality is that no heaven awaits for Trump, not just because he’s unworthy, but because if any true heaven exists, Trump would consider it a living hell. In Tony Kushner’s Angels in America, Belize describes heaven to the fictionalized version of Trump’s mentor, Roy Cohn:
Like San Francisco … Big city. Overgrown with weeds, but flowering weeds. On every corner a wrecking crew and something new and crooked going up catty corner to that. Windows missing in every edifice like broken teeth, fierce gusts of gritty wind, and a gray high sky full of ravens.
Prophet birds, Roy. Piles of trash, but lapidary like rubies and obsidian, and diamond-colored cowspit streamers in the wind. And voting booths. … And everyone in Balenciaga gowns with red corsages, and big dance palaces full of music and lights and racial impurity and gender confusion. And all the deities are creole, mulatto, brown as the mouths of rivers. Race, taste and history finally overcome. And you ain’t there.
My hot take is the official story of his assassination attempt is very questionable (that the one time in his life he showed bravery, this guy who ran away when a Mar a Lago member bled out is suddenly going to stop and do a fist pump pose for the cameras with an active shooter at large, and his SS detail allowed this? His wounded ear shows no damage a week later? He and his DOJ and Congressional Republicans—those who spent four years doing hearings on Benghazi—just dropped the whole issue of whether the “assassin” was part of a conspiracy with his enemies? No investigation at all from Bondi? They are still going on about Russiagate ten years later, but not a peep about whether there’s a group that came inches away from killing him?). The media and most liberals buy it, but this sets off my BS radar.
Anyway, I’d like to think he’s going soon—not out of spite, but because every day he reigns innocent people die and are put at increased risk, and our country slides further into shit—but I’m guessing the rotten bag of shit will live another decade at least. His father went into his ‘90s, and this guy has all the medical resources our tax dollars can pay for (think also of the irony of the doctors saving him from COVID in 2020…inadvertently causing the death of hundreds of thousands of Americans by keeping him alive and telling them COVID was no big deal).
I have thought of that Belize monologue no less than 200 times since the election.