The Great Kristi Noem Gucci Bag Heist
Taken right out from under her.
Department of Homeland Security Secretary Kristi Noem had her Gucci shoulder bag stolen at a restaurant in downtown Washington, DC, on Sunday night. The bag reportedly contained a Louis Vuitton Clemence wallet, her driver’s license, medication, apartment keys, her passport, DHS access badge, makeup bag, personal planner, blank checks, and about $3,000 in cash. Noem was dining at the Capital Burger restaurant, home of “luxe burgers and spiked shakes,” which does accept credit cards because it’s 2025.
Security camera footage confirms that the suspect is an unknown white male wearing a medical mask. I admit that I’m relieved the thief isn’t Black because my wife’s law school reunion is later this year, and I’d prefer to visit DC without getting the TSA treatment whenever I entered a restaurant.
This was quite the security fumble for the Secret Service, which has had more than a few lately. Even worse, the Secret Service agency falls under the Department of Homeland Security, which should at least be able to secure the homeland security secretary’s bag. Presumably, Noem still has a South Dakota driver’s license, so the thief can’t easily use her apartment keys. However, he has her DHS access badge. It’s as if this were all part of some Mission Impossible-style heist where Tom Cruise’s team has to get inside DHS headquarters so they swipe her badge. At least that’s what I’d go with if I were her Secret Service detail and someone got close enough to steal my boss’s bag. Of course, professional thieves in heist movies are highly trained and use sophisticated technology, like lock picks hidden inside lipstick tubes. Their whole extraction plan is more complex than simply “walk right up and take it while the mark is eating chicken wings.”
So about that 3 grand …
Here’s how CNN describes the masterful bag heist: “The thief, dressed in dark clothing, sat down at an empty table next to Noem with his back facing her and used his left foot to slide the bag away, the source said. He surveyed the restaurant before eventually picking up the bag, covering it with his jacket and leaving.” Apparently, Noem’s Secret Service detail was on their second round of spiked milkshakes.
The surveillance footage shows the thief zeroing in on Noem’s Gucci bag that was resting by her feet. See, if I’m carrying around three grand, I’m gonna put it in some raggedy-ass bag, maybe one with the faint hint of dog poop.
I have zero sympathy for thieves, so I’m mostly amused that this one just guaranteed he’ll get caught and serve some serious jail time. You could probably lose a baby at a DC restaurant and the cops would put you on hold, but this dirtbag likely had no idea he was stealing from a Cabinet member, who for some reason carries around Tony Soprano-rolls of cash. Now, he’s on the hook for Theft in the First Degree.
There’s been a lot of speculation — my least favorite activity — about why Noem had $3,000 in cash on her. First, you have to take her word for it, and I’m reminded of the Married … With Children episode where Al Bundy’s decrepit Dodge is stolen and he tells the insurance agency there were precious jewels and a Picasso in the trunk.
Of course, I’m not accusing Noem of insurance fraud, only mildly suggesting it. A DHS spokesperson said, “Her entire family was in town including her children and grandchildren — she was using the withdrawal to treat her family to dinner, activities, and Easter gifts.”
The average meal, including a boozy milkshake, at Capital Burger will run you about $50, plus tip (and I doubt Noem tips that well). Unless Noem’s idea of an Easter-related family activity involved a trip to the Cloakroom, I can’t explain the $3,000. It’s not 20 or even 10 years ago. Most businesses take credit cards or Apple Pay. It’s almost harder to use cash these days.
However, people are weird, and Noem’s a dullard. That is perhaps the simplest explanation for everything. This hasn’t stopped unfounded rumors that Noem carried cash so she could more easily cover up an affair. However, very few reputable hotels accept cash without requiring a credit card deposit for the reservation. Getting spotted leaving a run-down Motel 6 would likely raise more questions than just paying for a hotel room with a credit card.
Yes, it’s strange that Noem packed her bag like she planned to flee the country for all the crimes against humanity she’s committed. Perhaps she had another trip to El Salvador scheduled so she could mock the prisoners some more. Still, normal people only carry their passport when actively traveling. Otherwise, you leave it in the hotel safe or somewhere secure in your home. I would never place my passport in a bag or any item that could easily be lost or stolen. If traveling with my passport, it’s always on my person. The same is true for my keys and identification. I know it’s different for women, whose clothing often tends to cost twice as much and have no pockets.
Multiple news outlets have reported that Noem’s stolen bag contained blank checks and not simply a checkbook, a common tool in 1990s-era high finance. As dramatized in the 1994 movie Blank Check, the titular item is signed but the payment amount is left blank. It’s obviously alarming that a criminal has access to these checks, but it’s also bonkers that Noem is walking around with blank checks in 2025. Lady, just use Venmo. (This kid in Blank Check is a crooked brat, by the way. He damn well knows his bike isn’t worth $1 million.)
Kristi Noem, The Merry Puppy Murderess Of South Dakota, With Her Rendition Of The Gravel Pit Tango!
Noem’s current annual salary as DHS secretary is $250,600, so $3,000 is a significant amount of her weekly take home pay. When she was governor of South Dakota, she made $122,000. According to Newsweek, her estimated net worth is $1 million, but that doesn’t all translate into cigar-lighting money. Her net worth includes farmland, her South Dakota home, and investment holdings — none of which would prominently feature in a rap video, unlike the cash money in her purse and the $50,000 Rolex watch she wore while posing in front of inmates at the Salvadoran torture prison. Her Gucci B shoulder bag retails for around $4,000, as children go hungry. She’s quite the high roller.
The Trump administration’s corruption and incompetence are Brobdingnagian, but it still says something that the Department of Homeland Security secretary has inspired news segments reminding people not to leave their expensive purses on the floor. Noem is now the Goofus example in “How not to get ripped off like a chump.”
I don’t think that purse was stolen. I believe it was a drop of some sort. I have never left my bag on the floor of a restaurant and it usually only holds 37 cents, some used Kleenex, plus my ID. Unless I trust the other people at the table with my life, my purse is going with me to the loo. There is nothing in this story that makes any kind of sense.
My working conjecture:
She had the cash because she’s a busy woman now...
... and has to contract out the hits on the puppies.