'Bah! Humbug! No, that's too strong. 'Cause it is my favorite holiday'

This week's writing

As I’m sure you’re curious to know, one of my favorite Christmas songs is “Christmas Wrapping” by The Waitresses, a band that was technically as real as Santa Claus.

Chris Butler from Akron, Ohio, wrote and recorded the classic “I Know What Boys Like” in 1978 when he was still a member of the real band Tin Huey. The song featured saxophone from Tin Huey member Ryan Carney, but what you’re hearing in your head right now is that inimitable vocal performance from Patty Donahue (credited as “Patty Darling”). Donahue doesn’t sing so much as rap like a bored white girl who’d rather be anywhere else. It’s fabulous. I’ve loved Donahue since the first time I heard her say, “I got my cat moves that so upset them.” (Enjoy below.)

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Released in 1980, “I Know What Boys Like” was an underground hit, and Butler quickly assembled some musicians who’d back Donahue for live performances. They were jazz saxophonist Mars Williams, former Television drummer Billy Ficca, keyboardist Dan Klayman, bassist Dave Hofstra, and backing vocalist Ariel Warner. Their debut concert was New Year’s Eve 1980, which is somehow 45 years ago.

In 1981, Butler’s record label asked him to contribute a song to its Christmas album that year, aptly titled A Christmas Record. Butler was anything but thrilled. He’s said the lyrics were inspired by his contempt for the holiday: “Everybody I knew in New York was running around like a bunch of fiends. It wasn’t about joy. It was something to cope with.”

Dave Hofstra left The Waitresses during the recording of the band’s first album, Wasn’t Tomorrow Wonderful? and his replacement, the amazing Tracy Wormworth, delivers the badass bass line that drives “Christmas Wrapping.” (Enjoy below.)

Kurtis Blow released the song “Christmas Rappin’” in 1979, and while “Christmas Wrapping” is hardly hip-hip, Patty Donahue does her white-girl rap to the bone. Butler resisted the hip-hop comparison, insisting that Donahue’s performance isn’t rap: “[The song] does have a melody, just three notes because Patty was no belter, but she’s a good enough actress that she could act it out.” I would respectfully disagree. Donahue isn’t just talk-singing at late-night karaoke. She boasts a unique rhythmic, articulate flow. She is a great actor, though, and whenever I hear the song, no matter what I’m doing, Donahue pulls me into the story. She’s a busy, somewhat jaded woman who’s decided to play Scrooge this holiday season: “I just need to catch my breath, Christmas by myself this year … Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. But I think I’ll miss this one this year.”

However, on Christmas Eve, while out shopping for cranberry sauce to accompany her “world’s smallest turkey,” she miraculously bumps into this guy she’s “been chasing all year” but circumstances kept them from getting together: “Had his number but never the time/Most of ‘81 passed along those lines.” Despite all the missed connections, she can’t help but feel hopeful about the coming year. The Christmas spirit has her at last, and she changes her tune: “That Christmas magic’s brought this tale to a very happy ending. Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. Couldn’t miss this one this year.”

Why has no one made this into a Hallmark Christmas film yet?

The following year, The Waitresses recorded the theme song for the TV series Square Pegs, which 8-year-old me adored and mourned deeply when it was cancelled after one season. (I had a thing for Sarah Jessica Parker before she wore Manolo Blahniks.)

Donahue’s white girl rap is on fire:

Square pegs, square pegs, square, square pegs
I’d like it if they liked us, but I don’t think they like us
Square pegs, square pegs, square, square pegs
So tell me where’s the party, and how come we weren’t invited?
Square pegs, square pegs, square, square pegs
One size does not fit all

The Waitresses also appeared in the Square Pegs pilot, where they performed the title song and “I Know What Boys Like” (check out Jami Gertz’s goofy dance). Donahue’s hair and outfit were my everything.

Sadly, Patty Donahue died from lung cancer in 1996 at the age of 40, just a couple weeks before Christmas. Almost 30 years later, it doesn’t feel like Christmas until I hear her white girl rap.

This is the last subscriber sale post before 2026, but you can still take advantage of our Christmas special. Become a paid subscriber for 40 percent off the usual annual rate. For just $30 a year, you can help me keep decking the halls. Thanks to all who have upgraded to paid subscriber status recently.

This week, I wrote about how Donald Trump is still dying, which is both an objective truth and unambiguously positive.

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I’m still reeling from the loss of Rob Reiner and Michele Singer Reiner. However, we can take some solace in the tremendous legacy he left. I discussed two of my favorite films he directed, When Harry Met Sally and The American President.

Democrats don’t lose elections because they support trans people. They lose elections when they let attacks against trans people go unanswered.

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Nate Silver compared Heather Cox Richardson to the Tea Party, which is both insulting and historically illiterate.

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That’s it for this week. I’ll see you on Monday.